Archive for February, 2008

mama going back to work

I have to leave you with a babysitter for the first time tomorrow, X, as I return to the working world.  I am excited for the new opportunity for me and the responsibilities and duties I will have, and nervous about how you will react.  I know you will feel worried that I am not returning, and my heart breaks thinking about that, but I also know I will come back for you.  I know you will come to understand that just as I leave you with grandma & grandpa now and come back, so I will when you stay with the babysitter.  I will always come home for you.


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Drain plugs & slippers

Today I watched you, X, as you suddenly realized what the drain plug is for in the tub. Somehow suddenly, having watched the water draining, you grabbed the plug off the side of the tub and stuck it in. Then took it out, and observed as the draining continued, then back in. You were enthralled and wouldn’t let me touch the plug or help you seat it just right, because after all, you were busy doing it and didn’t need mama’s help, thank you very much.

And then I saw you notice my slippers on the floor and step cautiously on them, trying to determine how to get them on your little blue-socked feet.

Who knew seeing you discover these things would be so amazing? Who knew I would be more fascinated by watching you discover them then by anything I’ve ever seen or learned? How silly is that your every little discovery is such an amazing thing to me?

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playing trains

X, I saw you today realizing what fun it is to crawl around, pushing a toy train in front of you, seeing where the wheels might take you.  Under the highchair, and across the floor.  Some moments you are so utterly “boy” and it makes me smile.

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Mama has a job, Mama has a job!

I love my baby, but I look forward to getting back to adult conversation and work that doesn’t involve diaper changes or spit-up.

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In the beginning…

Dear X,

As we come closer to your first birthday, I realize one day I would like to look back on these fleeting moments. When I take photos of you I can never seem to capture how tender the moments are, and I realize writing of them here will be the same. Still, I would like to capture the little bits I can.

Even in your first few days you were able to tell us just how unimpressed you were. Nurses and relatives alike were confounded by your tendency to either sleep or scream – I tried desperately to feed you in between, with more or less luck depending on the day. We later convinced your Dr, when you were 9 months old, that you had reflux and milk protein intolerance. You were given Zantac daily and switched to a special formula, and were much happier within a day or two. I never knew I could love someone so much and still feel so completely inept to love them as they needed. At that appointment I realized you didn’t really hate me. Our relationship has grown from there.

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